A Note to My Future Boyfriend

Hi! You probably don't know me or else it would be Present Boyfriend. Or maybe you do but something or someone is getting in the way of us finding true love with each other. It may very well even be the two of us doing this sabotage.

Anyway, some things we have to establish while I am impartial and not insanely in love with you. My expectations for this relationship:

1. Please be very patient with me. I may be prone to unrealistic expectations and I may be too independent at times. There will be a lot of adjustments to be made. But I'm a trouper and I adapt well. Let's see.

2. I require constant communication.A text or a phone call now and then. I know I should probably hold out for more but I want YOU to want to talk to me and not me nagging you to do it, you know? 

3. By now you should know I'm a goofball and I do odd things. Understand that. Love it.Or respect it. (If you're my boyfriend you're probably as nutty as I am.)

4.  Related to no. 3, make me laugh and do it often. You may have noticed I have the weirdest sense of humor and I'm totally down with all sorts (dry, toilet, high brow, you name it).

5. Tell me your feelings and thoughts often. No secrets. I love listening to people.

6. Give me lots of hugs and kisses and cuddles. It may take getting used to as I am not prone to PDA but whatever, I can take that.

7. Talk to me of your past, plans, dreams and frustrations. It will totally endear you to me.

8. Respect my beliefs and values and I will do the same with you. You don't necessarily have to go to church or believe in God like I do but know that if the basics (humanity, morality and goodness) are there then it's alright. I want you to be a good person and I hope you want to be one yourself.

9.  I am not down with cheating or disrespectful behavior. I expect to be treated as well as I treat myself or I figure I'm better off alone.

10. Love me, love my family and friends. I love them to bits and they love me. I don't think I can bear to choose to be away from either of you.

11. Choose to be the best version of yourself right now. Know that you make me want to be the best version of myself when I'm around you.

12. I am not your doctor or therapist. Or your mother.Don't confuse me with them.

13. I will love you like I've never loved anyone... Too much and too deeply, maybe even at the expense of my own happiness. I don't think I should act cool and not be into this as much as I want to. Life is too short to pretend to be someone you're not.

14. I love kids and dogs. Just saying. If this gets serious we're probably getting both sets.

15. I want things to be great with us all the time but it doesn't mean I'm blind to flaws. I don't want perfection, I just want a certain level of comfort and affection. I'm not deluded, just hopeful.

Wanting a Change

Last night I admit, I may have said some things I would not have otherwise said had I not been bored out of my skull and suffering from ennui.

en·nui - [ahn-wee, ahn-wee; French ahn-nwee] (noun) - a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of  interest; boredom:

Anyway, I woke up this morning, earlier than usual and I suddenly felt like this is it. I've utterly lost interest in normal everyday things. I was so elated the evening before that I guess it sapped up my energy and made me  DONE. What the hell am I supposed to do with this endless strings of (mis)communication and attempts at a connection? And it's not like I even care anymore. It was just exhausting. I needed a change and soon.

So this friend of mine said she had a job offer at an unnamed country and I found myself fascinated with the possibilities of living in another country like her. ME! Who never so much as spent a day fending for herself, away from my family at last. Hmm. Definitely attractive.

Finally, a challenge! There have been far and between, I was definitely up to it. I wish I could finally do it. Cut the strings, go to another place, actually study again like I've always wanted to do. I just hope things work out and I find myself where I want to be in a year.

Today I actually took the initial steps to get the requirements for the scholarships I've been keeping my eye on. I haven't really decided what to get, just that it's going to be a Masters in Law. Probably related to Criminal Law, because of my DOJ work? Oh Universe, please make this work. I promise to be focused and  punctual and more determined than ever.

Of Desire

“But if you love and must need have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise on your lips.” 

― Kahlil Gibran

Of Love, Sex and Relationships (Or Lack Thereof)

If I had a penny for every person who asked me why I've never had a boyfriend I would be flushed with pennies. Heh. And the short answer is, "I've never met anyone who I wanted to be my boyfriend". Which is more or less true. There have been some who I had intense crushes on who didn't like me back and those who liked me but I ended up breaking their hearts because I didn't see myself with them, long term. Which may have been a mistake on my part because I never gave them a chance.(Maybe this should be in another blog entry?)

So this may come as no surprise: I am very much inexperienced in the ways of the world (which is every parent's dream but really unusual given my age.) I've read a lot and the average male loses his virginity at age 16.9; females average slightly older, at 17.4. This is in the US. In the Philippines the age is a bit later at 21. Anyway...

Coming from a conservative country and studying in a Catholic high school made me think that staying a virgin until marriage was always the right option. I am Catholic and during retreats in school we made chastity pledges to God to keep ourselves pure until marriage, for our future husbands and for ourselves as well, that this would make us respect and honor our bodies as creations of God.

I keep thinking what this means for me now 16 years after I graduated high school. Most of the people who made this pledge with me are already married and I can't help but wonder if they kept them. Moral values are on a decline, this is a fact. Interacting with people these days I can't help but be shocked by the way modern dating has evolved to mean just hooking up, ambiguity in commitments, transitory relationships, one night stands and  FWB's. It's all so sad, really. Where's the romance, courtship and flowery words and grand gestures that I thought would come with falling in love? Maybe being a hopeless romantic and an idealist really won't cut it in today's dating scene. Most people are afraid of commitment and eschew dating rules and   traditions for convenience and instant relationships.

I guess what I'm saying is I don't want to be a part of that. Sometimes I find myself wanting to be part of the mainstream idea of fast love and I do admit it's all so tempting to blend in and just go with it but after all this, would I be happy? Like honestly, if I look deep into my heart, would ignoring what my gut tells me and going with what would be easy really bring me closer to what I want?

What I want is to fall in love and care for someone so deeply that I fade away.
That there will be nothing left but him and me,
an US and a WE.

It's so difficult to fall in love these days and more so for someone like me who has all these restrictions and ideals. I would think they're borderline unreasonable in some ways to someone looking in from the outside. I just want to look for answers, I guess. I don't think it's right for society to condemn people who want to be sure of their feelings and of not being intimate until they're ready emotionally. So maybe it all boils down to commitment issues and always wanting things to be perfect and ideal, which they never will be. Life isn't perfect. It's messy and unpredictable and changeable and I need to stop wishing it'll be this ideal thing.

I read an article in Thoughtcatalog (http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/in-defense-of-premarital-sex/) and it said: "Cajoling people to wait until marriage hypes up sex to a dangerous level, making it the be-all and end-all of marriage, a practice that is supposed to be about love. Intangible, abstract, indefinable love is all that’s necessary to express itself, and to shackle love to something so material, basic, and transitory as virginity devalues the emotion it’s purporting to validate."

I heartily agree. Sex isn't the reason you get married. Even if I wanted to have sex with someone now it doesn't mean he'd be the person I would want to marry. However, you would want to be intimate with someone you're in love with or else, what's the point? It's a basic urge and everyone has it but aside from that... why would I want to have sex with just anyone? And why would the idea of waiting until you can have sex with someone you love be so ridiculous that it is regarded as an anomaly by shows like "TLC's Virgin Diaries" and "Weird Sex"? Why let society define what you can do with your own body, after all?

There's this idea that everyone should be free with their bodies, free your mind, release your inhibitions... maybe that's just it. I don't want IT to be FREE. I see this as something precious and priceless and worth waiting for. Because I am worth waiting for. I have everything going for me. I am an intelligent, funny, pleasant and beautiful young woman. That's the truth. (I guess I wanted to humblebrag but it got too difficult. Haha!)

I digress. My point is, society conditions women to be sexually liberated to show that they are equal to men and that they can make their own choices without censure from religious sectors and from their traditionalist families. Fine. It's difficult both ways. Never before has there been this much pressure to conform to what society defines as Normal and what your religion says Should Be. In the end, you've just got to trust what you feel, what your personal values are.

The past few days of questioning whether or not I am as weird as some of these people in "TLC's Virgin Diaries", being inexperienced and unattached at my age, on my way to imminent spinsterdom, has led me to this conclusion: there's more to life than being someone's wife or girlfriend. And if I meet someone I hope he doesn't focus on the fact that I don't have any relationship experience because now I really don't see it as a liability. Think of it as being with someone with all the potential of being an awesome partner in whatever aspect. ;) Whew. It's really empowering to come to terms with the fact that my flaw isn't such a horrible thing and that it may be a strength after all.

Welcome to "Say Anything"

I've had blogs before, none of which in hindsight I would want to share with the rest of the world, so with this new endeavor I hope to churn out something public and readable.

I named this blog after the fact that I tend to run on about things that are as random and diverse as the best things are.

Enjoy, audience, and may the literary gods smile upon me.