I came across this article today called "When You Want to Kiss Them" and it's been a while since I read anything that really had me engaged like that...
"There comes a time when, more than anything else in your entire life, you want to kiss a certain someone for the first time. And that moment scratches a line across your life path, dividing it into the time before you kissed them and the time after you kissed. Whenever you find yourself hovering above that line, briefly paused, your faces inches from each other, as you share the same air, conversing only with your eyes; that burning anticipation is one of the best moments we ever know. And hopefully, it’s followed by an even better moment when hesitation evaporates and you savor that first lip smack like a blissed-out love junkie."
Beautiful writing. Sometimes I wish I could relate more but then that really can't be helped. I mean, I have been infatuated lots of times but in love? I'm not really sure. People are really casual about kissing because it isn't sex and it doesn't have any consequences... some have told me it's supposed to be fun and I shouldn't obsess over who I'm kissing. I could've made out with random dudes during dates if I wanted to, you know. It's just that I never really got it into my head that I wanted it to be without someone other than a guy I cared about and not just a casual date. And no, it isn't about being a prude or not wanting intimacy. It's gotten to a point when I could live without it a while longer.
I want to feel like that guy in the article did and know that it was a singular awesome experience. I think kissing someone is really special, it's the first step towards opening a part of yourself to the possibility of entwining lives with another person.
“The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender.”
I just finished reading J.D. Salinger's famous novel about Holden Caulfield, who I am torn to like and hate at the same time... He's not really someone you can claim is a good person or even one you would think would amount to much since all throughout the book he's too preoccupied with his own feelings of smugness and superiority over the other people he comes across with. Mostly he thinks everyone else is stupid and fake and he laughs at them, sometimes not so secretly. When asked about one thing he really liked, all he can think about is his deceased brother Allie, who died when he was young and who he sometimes converses with in his head.
Holden Caulfield seems like a nice, sensitive boy though and it's hard not to overlook his flaws when he just seems like he tries so hard to cope with the phoniness of society and the repercussions of growing up and having to live up to the expectations of his parents, teachers and peers. I liked the fact that he was a romantic though. He only wanted to have sex with people he had feelings for, or so he said. However in another instance he was fascinated with "perverted" acts that he saw people do... like spitting water in the face of the other person. It leads one to wonder when Holden would take that next step despite of his romantic notions.
In the end, he ended up in a psychiatric hospital to get psychoanalysis before he went back to school. I have to wonder if Holden Caulfield is the face of American youth back then and now (since so many people relate to him) does it mean that there are a lot of sad, cynical young Americans who are that way for what? For being privileged and too smart for their own good? Is being depressed an indication of a lofty state of mind or must the youth be enlightened and educated and molded so they can move forward and continue in their path to conformity, as the ending suggests?
The most insufferable facebook poster usually posts something cryptic about what's happening in his/her life. Probably because of the need for attention. Well that's true. I've always wanted attention, even as a child. I remember vividly one day my parents weren't there for this parent-teacher conference and I pointed out to other parents how good my drawing was when they were admiring their child's. Haha! Sad, I know. Deep down I've always wanted recognition and accolades from my peers.
But when people actually praise what I did, I have this tendency to downplay it when I should just shut up and say "Thanks for the compliment". So Asian.
The whole week with planning for Dr. Sieber's lectures went well and I am very proud of myself. It has made me realize how much I appreciate comparative criminal law and given a chance I would be very interested in studying more about how justice works all over the world. I guess that would really be hardcore geekery at work. I'm so excited for the future! Really, as I told Miles, I don't mind being a spinster if all this academic/work stuff actually happens. I guess it wouldn't be so bad to get married to my work.
“That’s when I finally got it. I finally understood. It wasn’t the thought that counted. It was the actual execution that mattered, the showing up for somebody. The intent behind it wasn’t enough. Not for me. Not anymore. It wasn’t enough to know that deep down, he loved me. You had to actually say it to somebody, show them you cared. And he just didn’t. Not enough.” ― Jenny Han
My appointment as Court Atty V has been renewed, I have a cute and cheap apartment to move in to, my parents have their new car and we finally sold our house!
This definitely calls for a totally new Eleanor, don't you think? That's why I decided it's high time to get a make over. I cut my hair really short and dyed it auburn. Next, I am definitely sticking to my guns and going on a diet and I signed up for Crossfit with Lei, which is a form of army bootcamp. Scary but necessary if I want to survive the zombie apocalypse. Hahaha!
Next is to find someone to help me get through the zombie apocalypse, so I won't be too bored when the rest of the world goes all apeshit. :p I have high hopes it'll all work itself out.
Judging from my actions of late, I am Stage 3 Clingy.
STAGE THREE: The Good Girl
The good girl typically gives her thoughts out unintentionally. She’s the one giggling at your jokes (even the stupid ones) and waiting by her cell phone until your next appearance. Available to see you nine times out of ten, and willing to drop her own life in a heartbeat to accommodate you and the relationship that is unfolding. The good girl will cook you four-course meals within the first month of the relationship and ensure she looks flawless each and every time she sees you. You probably meet the family early on too.
Pros: At face value, she seems perfect. You’re probably the most important person in her life, and very few things can break you apart. She's selfless and giving, and there is a guarantee of commitment and dedication.
Cons: She surrenders herself entirely and there is nothing challenging/stimulating left for you to pursue. This often leads to boredom and curiosity, eventually causing distance in the relationship…probably from you.
****
Well well well. I didn't know being nice was such a flaw. I guess deep down I've always been groomed to be like this (by the nuns? :P ). Chalk it up to the finishing school/nunnery that was my whole high school experience, I always thought being polite and feminine was the way to do things. Feminist tendencies aside, I've often toyed with the idea that I could have it all and be this awesome wife and mother and career woman in one. And there's nothing wrong with doing something special when you can, right?
This kind of clingy gets so tiring! Being perfect and wanting things to go well all the time takes its toll and honestly, just being yourself is more important. And more sustainable. And there is nothing attractive about being clingy.
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much
All of the while I never knew"
Every time I listen to this song I fall into this happy, easy mood and I think this surely is what falling in love should be like-- optimistic, breathless, interesting and yet "familiar" at the same time. I thank my lucky stars my friend introduced me to this song. It's a song about the usual places and happy feelings and acceptance. Just lovely.
"So true
Funny how it seems
Always in time, but never in line for dreams
Head over heels when toe to toe
This is the sound of my soul"
Any true romantic who also loves the '80's must also love this song. I mean, it's quintessential '80's and was played during that dance scene in Sixteen Candles and in Hot Tub Time Machine when John Cusack and What's-her-face are talking about his dad getting killed from e. coli from eating poisoned pizza. I mean, no song is as honest and poignant as "True", in my opinion. Every time I hear this I feel like I'm in the throes of my most intense crush ever and you're all giddy and aglow at the prospect of things to come. :)
"And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I've sworn to myself
That I'm content with loneliness.
Because none of it was ever worth the risk.
Well you are the only exception."
I love it when she starts all cynical and then turns hopeful when she meets "The Exception". Deep down I know this is how it should be: that we think of what we want and don't want (like whether or not we think it's fine to commit right here and now with this one person) but in the end we don't really have a choice in the matter when we meet "The One". Because to let him or her go would be the one great big mistake of your life.
"I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are"
If you find that you can't let go of someone, if they still come back into your thoughts and you can't figure out why, then just maybe, it's Love. I love that LOVE is chaotic and confusing and that it lasts forever because you fall in love with the person over and over again (rushing back to the start). So romantic! :)
"Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there"
'Nuff said. <3 I love this song to bits! I love The Beatles and I like a lot of their love songs but each time I hear this one, I'm transported to a place where two people exist who just simply need each other and nothing and no one else.
2. "Falling Slowly" by Glen Hansard and Marketa Iglova
"Falling slowly eyes that know me and I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me and I'm painted black
You have suffered enough and warred with yourself
It's time that you won
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had the choice
You've made it now"
I loved the movie and this song kicked off their love story perfectly. Love is the reward for taking risks. Finding your home with that someone must be the most wonderful feeling and I feel like this song captured it. It tells us to never stop being hopeful about love, that it takes its time and it feels just right to be in that moment and know that this what you've wanted all along.
"Walk my way and a thousand violins begin to play
Or it might be the sound of your hello
That music I hear
I get misty the moment you're near"
I also like the Louis Armstrong version. I looove big band/old jazz! I don't think there's a more romantic era. I think this is one of the most beautiful songs ever written. You know that moment when you feel overwhelmed and befuddled because you like someone so much? Misty.
Hi! You probably don't know me or else it would be Present Boyfriend. Or maybe you do but something or someone is getting in the way of us finding true love with each other. It may very well even be the two of us doing this sabotage.
Anyway, some things we have to establish while I am impartial and not insanely in love with you. My expectations for this relationship:
1. Please be very patient with me. I may be prone to unrealistic expectations and I may be too independent at times. There will be a lot of adjustments to be made. But I'm a trouper and I adapt well. Let's see.
2. I require constant communication.A text or a phone call now and then. I know I should probably hold out for more but I want YOU to want to talk to me and not me nagging you to do it, you know?
3. By now you should know I'm a goofball and I do odd things. Understand that. Love it.Or respect it. (If you're my boyfriend you're probably as nutty as I am.)
4. Related to no. 3, make me laugh and do it often. You may have noticed I have the weirdest sense of humor and I'm totally down with all sorts (dry, toilet, high brow, you name it).
5. Tell me your feelings and thoughts often. No secrets. I love listening to people.
6. Give me lots of hugs and kisses and cuddles. It may take getting used to as I am not prone to PDA but whatever, I can take that.
7. Talk to me of your past, plans, dreams and frustrations. It will totally endear you to me.
8. Respect my beliefs and values and I will do the same with you. You don't necessarily have to go to church or believe in God like I do but know that if the basics (humanity, morality and goodness) are there then it's alright. I want you to be a good person and I hope you want to be one yourself.
9. I am not down with cheating or disrespectful behavior. I expect to be treated as well as I treat myself or I figure I'm better off alone.
10. Love me, love my family and friends. I love them to bits and they love me. I don't think I can bear to choose to be away from either of you.
11. Choose to be the best version of yourself right now. Know that you make me want to be the best version of myself when I'm around you.
12. I am not your doctor or therapist. Or your mother.Don't confuse me with them.
13. I will love you like I've never loved anyone... Too much and too deeply, maybe even at the expense of my own happiness. I don't think I should act cool and not be into this as much as I want to. Life is too short to pretend to be someone you're not.
14. I love kids and dogs. Just saying. If this gets serious we're probably getting both sets.
15. I want things to be great with us all the time but it doesn't mean I'm blind to flaws. I don't want perfection, I just want a certain level of comfort and affection. I'm not deluded, just hopeful.
Last night I admit, I may have said some things I would not have otherwise said had I not been bored out of my skull and suffering from ennui.
en·nui - [ahn-wee, ahn-wee; French ahn-nwee] (noun) - a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom:
Anyway, I woke up this morning, earlier than usual and I suddenly felt like this is it. I've utterly lost interest in normal everyday things. I was so elated the evening before that I guess it sapped up my energy and made me DONE. What the hell am I supposed to do with this endless strings of (mis)communication and attempts at a connection? And it's not like I even care anymore. It was just exhausting. I needed a change and soon.
So this friend of mine said she had a job offer at an unnamed country and I found myself fascinated with the possibilities of living in another country like her. ME! Who never so much as spent a day fending for herself, away from my family at last. Hmm. Definitely attractive.
Finally, a challenge! There have been far and between, I was definitely up to it. I wish I could finally do it. Cut the strings, go to another place, actually study again like I've always wanted to do. I just hope things work out and I find myself where I want to be in a year.
Today I actually took the initial steps to get the requirements for the scholarships I've been keeping my eye on. I haven't really decided what to get, just that it's going to be a Masters in Law. Probably related to Criminal Law, because of my DOJ work? Oh Universe, please make this work. I promise to be focused and punctual and more determined than ever.
“But if you love and must need have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise on your lips.” ― Kahlil Gibran
If I had a penny for every person who asked me why I've never had a boyfriend I would be flushed with pennies. Heh. And the short answer is, "I've never met anyone who I wanted to be my boyfriend". Which is more or less true. There have been some who I had intense crushes on who didn't like me back and those who liked me but I ended up breaking their hearts because I didn't see myself with them, long term. Which may have been a mistake on my part because I never gave them a chance.(Maybe this should be in another blog entry?)
So this may come as no surprise: I am very much inexperienced in the ways of the world (which is every parent's dream but really unusual given my age.) I've read a lot and the average male loses his virginity at age 16.9; females average slightly older, at 17.4. This is in the US. In the Philippines the age is a bit later at 21. Anyway...
Coming from a conservative country and studying in a Catholic high school made me think that staying a virgin until marriage was always the right option. I am Catholic and during retreats in school we made chastity pledges to God to keep ourselves pure until marriage, for our future husbands and for ourselves as well, that this would make us respect and honor our bodies as creations of God.
I keep thinking what this means for me now 16 years after I graduated high school. Most of the people who made this pledge with me are already married and I can't help but wonder if they kept them. Moral values are on a decline, this is a fact. Interacting with people these days I can't help but be shocked by the way modern dating has evolved to mean just hooking up, ambiguity in commitments, transitory relationships, one night stands and FWB's. It's all so sad, really. Where's the romance, courtship and flowery words and grand gestures that I thought would come with falling in love? Maybe being a hopeless romantic and an idealist really won't cut it in today's dating scene. Most people are afraid of commitment and eschew dating rules and traditions for convenience and instant relationships.
I guess what I'm saying is I don't want to be a part of that. Sometimes I find myself wanting to be part of the mainstream idea of fast love and I do admit it's all so tempting to blend in and just go with it but after all this, would I be happy? Like honestly, if I look deep into my heart, would ignoring what my gut tells me and going with what would be easy really bring me closer to what I want?
What I want is to fall in love and care for someone so deeply that I fade away.
That there will be nothing left but him and me,
an US and a WE.
It's so difficult to fall in love these days and more so for someone like me who has all these restrictions and ideals. I would think they're borderline unreasonable in some ways to someone looking in from the outside. I just want to look for answers, I guess. I don't think it's right for society to condemn people who want to be sure of their feelings and of not being intimate until they're ready emotionally. So maybe it all boils down to commitment issues and always wanting things to be perfect and ideal, which they never will be. Life isn't perfect. It's messy and unpredictable and changeable and I need to stop wishing it'll be this ideal thing.
I read an article in Thoughtcatalog (http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/in-defense-of-premarital-sex/) and it said: "Cajoling people to wait until marriage hypes up sex to a dangerous level, making it the be-all and end-all of marriage, a practice that is supposed to be about love. Intangible, abstract, indefinable love is all that’s necessary to express itself, and to shackle love to something so material, basic, and transitory as virginity devalues the emotion it’s purporting to validate."
I heartily agree. Sex isn't the reason you get married. Even if I wanted to have sex with someone now it doesn't mean he'd be the person I would want to marry. However, you would want to be intimate with someone you're in love with or else, what's the point? It's a basic urge and everyone has it but aside from that... why would I want to have sex with just anyone? And why would the idea of waiting until you can have sex with someone you love be so ridiculous that it is regarded as an anomaly by shows like "TLC's Virgin Diaries" and "Weird Sex"? Why let society define what you can do with your own body, after all?
There's this idea that everyone should be free with their bodies, free your mind, release your inhibitions... maybe that's just it. I don't want IT to be FREE. I see this as something precious and priceless and worth waiting for. Because I am worth waiting for. I have everything going for me. I am an intelligent, funny, pleasant and beautiful young woman. That's the truth. (I guess I wanted to humblebrag but it got too difficult. Haha!)
I digress. My point is, society conditions women to be sexually liberated to show that they are equal to men and that they can make their own choices without censure from religious sectors and from their traditionalist families. Fine. It's difficult both ways. Never before has there been this much pressure to conform to what society defines as Normal and what your religion says Should Be. In the end, you've just got to trust what you feel, what your personal values are.
The past few days of questioning whether or not I am as weird as some of these people in "TLC's Virgin Diaries", being inexperienced and unattached at my age, on my way to imminent spinsterdom, has led me to this conclusion: there's more to life than being someone's wife or girlfriend. And if I meet someone I hope he doesn't focus on the fact that I don't have any relationship experience because now I really don't see it as a liability. Think of it as being with someone with all the potential of being an awesome partner in whatever aspect. ;) Whew. It's really empowering to come to terms with the fact that my flaw isn't such a horrible thing and that it may be a strength after all.
I've had blogs before, none of which in hindsight I would want to share with the rest of the world, so with this new endeavor I hope to churn out something public and readable.
I named this blog after the fact that I tend to run on about things that are as random and diverse as the best things are.
Enjoy, audience, and may the literary gods smile upon me.
